...Bits&Pieces

When I consume alcohol I become emotional…

I think I’m drunk. Maybe. When I drink I experience precise emotions one after the other. At first I’m excited and giggly, next I’m quiet, then I’m horny and finally I’m emotional. It’s like every thing that’s on my mind comes to the surface when I drink.

I miss my father so much and I honestly can’t believe that May 13 made 9 years since he’s passed. 

Do you know what it feels like to miss someone so bad that it hurts your heart?

9 long years and sometimes I can’t help but cry.

I miss that man beyond words.

I’ll leave it at that.

Damn you wine.

I’ve been instructed to find one “selfish activity”…

to do one thing in my life, as of right now, that is strictly for me

not interrupted by current responsibilities, what others think I should do, or by that nagging voice in my head that says “You can’t do that”

something that requires me to make a move and to be happy with the move I’ve made, to know that I deserve that happiness

It’s a lot harder than it sounds because reality and responsibility are constant reminders and intruders on my happy thoughts

I don’t want to be held down by tangible assets, by stuff,items that can go just as easily as they came

So the question remains….”What are you gonna do?”

Nights like this I wish I had someone to share these thoughts with.

Ramblings of my brain…

• I’m so annoyed that I don’t have an SD card for my phone, shit just wants to stop working out of the blue
• So because of that I can’t take pictures and stuff -_-
• I need to get up and do my eyebrows, I’m going to have to reheat the wax again
• Even though I’ve been listening to Gospel music since I woke up my mind is all over the place…not at all peaceful and idk why :/
• French Toast is wanted
• I’m not excited to cook all of this food later
• I want a hug
• It’s not just a phase when it’s becomes a habit
• My uterus is reserved for either Idris Elba or Michael Ealy…who ever gets to me first
• “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”
• I’m currently naked
• I want to go to Guyana
• I read something the other day that basically said that we hinder ourselves from happiness because we’re too busy wanting what we had in the past..I am guilty of this
• is gif pronounced Gif with a long G or with a J sound??
• why does my heart feel so heavy today?
• I bet my period is coming -__- that’s when all these unresolved emotions come to the surface..dammit
• I’d love to hug my father right now, God I miss that man.
• My hair is matted on top of my head
• I’m done here…

I pay rent,internet,water and electricity 

but this apartment is not what I would consider my home to be.

By dictionary definition, it is lodging, it’s rest, it’s where all my belongings are, it’s where I reside, I’m comfortable, I walk as I please but my heart isn’t here.

But I’ll know when I’m home one day. 

I’ve decided…

I want to name my future cat Lil Boosie, naturally the decision won’t be final until I meet the cat but I’m confident in this name. 

Appa was a good name, no it was a great name, but there will never be another.

Ramblings of my brain…

• I’m horny (what’s new)
• Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives is one of my favorite shows!
• I want to visit every state in the U.S.
• I’m super excited to see my nephews tomorrow, I can’t believe Shawn’s gonna be 14….dammit I’m aging too fast
• I’ve pulled away from my family and friends over the past 6 months
• I’m currently drinking a Bud Light Platinum
• As much as I say I don’t want a relationship, the more I think about it, sometimes I really do 
• Definitely about to get these kinky twists soon!!
• I’ve been awaiting having a grown and sexy yet ratchet night with my girls
• My mind is occupied with pure unworthiness
• I want to learn how to speak Italian
• For some reason my leg is sticky…ew
• I want someone to kiss me on my neck right this moment
• Why the hell has Harry Potter been on every damn day??? St. Patricks day is to blame for this?
• Where the hell is this money going to come from?
• I’m lonely
• I appreciate my old mentor soooo much
• Earlier at work, I asked a coworker if a third grader signed a particular piece of paper I was looking at, she laughed and said “Yea, you’re definitely a teacher”…that made me smile

I would prefer to think happy thoughts…

No one person truly knows me. I feel as though I’ve scattered or invested only portions of myself in different people. I have enough people in my life that I’ve developed very specific relationships with but I have yet to meet that all encompassing person. 

What I want right now…

• weed
• lips
• laughter
• more weed
• an oreo/strawberry milkshake from Chil-fil-a
• my hair to not resemble Don Kings
• Cajun and Lemon Pepper wings

I think I’m quite easy to please.

Why?

Why do we do the things we do?

Why is it that we know better but refuse to do better?

Why is it that we take what we have for granted and lose it, just to have to work twice as hard to get it back?

Why do we make life more difficult than it has to be?

One of the hardest issues that I’ve had to face as an individual is realizing that I’ve made mistakes. I’ve accepted and am able to admit that I was spoiled; I was granted opportunities and blessed beyond measures but I was unable to see my fortune because I expected it. I took what was handed to me for granted, always expected it to come easy or always expected it to be there. Do you know what it feels like to work your way from the ground up? I do but I don’t even know where to begin. 

No Sweets

No ice cream

No cookies

No cake

No Soda

This shall be rough.

My Body

I’m laying here thinking about my body, my mind, and my choices. Most people are surprised when they find out that I’m a virgin, I don’t know why, there are a lot more virgins in the world than people assume. I don’t think about my virginity too much, but once in a while my mind begins to ask questions: When is it going to happen? How will it feel? How will I react? etc. and it scares me. I’ve never felt that my virginity was something to give away or lose out of pure lust. I feel like there’s so much that has to occur before I decide to share my body with a man. I’ve had many ask me am I saving it for marriage and the answer is no. I’m saving it for the man that I can honestly say changes me, he’ll change me for the best, he’ll alleviate fears, I’ll learn what love is by loving him and his love for me. I’m not saving it for marriage, I’m saving it for intimacy that goes beyond the physical, the trust, security, understanding. I don’t expect him to be the man that I’ll spend the rest of my life with, but I do expect growth and endurance and the moment when my mind, heart, and soul agree that he will be the one that I choose to share my body with. Even though these hormones get out of control -_- and it’s rough in these streets, I’m excited to know that it’s something I have to look forward to, not just the sexual activity, but for the intimacy, the bond and the experience. It’s extremely important to me and it has nothing to do with purity or societies views or what a woman should be or what people believe it means to be a virgin, it’s simply my body and my choices and I choose to wait.